Northern sarcasm v. Southern sarcasm

A lot of people say that if you're moving South you should leave your sarcasm at home. This is only partially true. The secret I have learned is that people in the South are just as sarcastic as people in the North. The difference is in the delivery.

Up North, Yankees have perfected the sarcastic tone. When we make a sarcastic comment, you know damn well we're joking. For examples, look no further than your favorite 90s sitcoms:

One simple phrase, "Hello Newman," dripped with so must disdain, you knew how sarcastic Jerry was being when he greeted his arch nemesis.

Chandler Bing: could he BE any more sarcastic? 'Nuff said.

Conversely, Southern sarcasm has no special tone. They sound sweet as honey, but they don't mean it that way. They think you understand them, after all, sarcasm is part of a Yankee's existence. But without the tone, a Northerner is left perplexed. The best example I could find is from my Southern idol, Ms. Julia Sugarbaker herself:

A Southerner will look at you straight faced and say something they deem sarcastic, but since the tone isn't behind it, you just think they are insulting you. Then, if you get mad, you're hot-headed, over sensitive, up tight, etc. etc. In addition, when you use your natural, sarcastic tone (the way it's meant to be) you're rude, bitchy, etc. etc. It is very frustrating to say the least.

Fellow transplants, it's OK. We can get through this. You just have to perfect your dead-faced stare. 

Emma Stone has mastered the dead-face stare

When someone says something "sarcastic," blank out your face and count to 5. This will give you time to discern whether they are trying to be clever, or if they are insulting you. It will give them time to say, "I'm just teasin'," back-track, apologize or change the subject. After the 5-count, you can react as you see fit. Personally, as a newcomer to the South, I tend to not comment back until I feel I completely know the person, although, it can still be tricky. Southerners trying to be sarcastic around me tends to lead to a lot of subject changes. It's the only way to be safe and not let it turn into a "Giants jersey at an Eagles home game sort of situation." (Note: this clip is in another language, but you'll get the picture. Also, in the book a guy in a Giants jersey sparks a fight at an Eagles tailgate. In the movie, an asshole Philadelphian starts a fight with an Asian Philadelphian.)

Remember, things are a lot slower down here, and I suspect it'll be several more years before Southerners perfect the sarcastic tone. But at least now you have the tools to pick up on Southern sarcasm and can think before you bitch someone out or write someone off.